Lisa had worked for non-profit charities for years. Serving others had always been a priority and focus for her. After being in therapy for about three months, she finally risked sharing that she was a kleptomaniac. She admitted this with profound shame and grief. It was painful for her to describe what was going on. She would find herself walking out of a store and on her way out one hand would reach out and grab something, usually some candy, and hide it in her pocket. She never ended up eating the candy herself. The guilt she carried for having stolen the candy wouldn’t allow for that. She would give it away. Those who got the candy would thankher for her generosity which, of course, only compounded her guilt and shame.
In exploring her kleptomania, it was clear how unconscious her actions were. It was as if her hand had a mind of its own when reaching out to take something. It was very hard for Lisa to be with the self-judgment and shame that came up for her. These feelings made it difficult for her to explore what her hand was doing. She needed to meet what was coming up for her with her heart’s compassion and understanding. Her judgment only continued to lock her in her shame. There is no healing when we do this. This is not about condoning stealing. She truly regretted her actions. But her criticism was crushing her heart and spirit. It condemned who she was and denied her humanity. A humanity that was so very caring of other people.
As Lisa began to move beyond her condemnation and into the healing of her heart was able to explore what was happening. She realized that her hand was reaching out to somehow feed and nurture herself. As she delved into this further, she became aware that she was terribly starved for connection. The irony about this was that Lisa was someone who constantly gave to others from a very heartfelt place. And people genuinely cared for her! But when they would express their care for her or compliment her for the work she did and the care she provided, she was ever ready to discount it all. She might not say anything out loud but she would be thinking, “They’re only saying that to be nice” or”They don’t really mean it” or “They don’t really know me.” She wouldn’t let it in. Yet at the same time, she naturally craved for that mutual care and attention. Lisa recognized how undeserving she felt for any of this. She knew all her secrets, right?
In her journey of compassionate self discovery, Lisa became more aware of what she was doing, why she was doing it and how she kept people at a distance. As she began meeting herself with compassion and understanding, she began to soften and to risk letting people in. Her kleptomania stopped. And now her need for closeness and connection with other people was being met. Her walls continued to slowly melt away as she reclaimed her own humanity and her ability to connect with others and to let others connect with her.
Wish to comment?