Grief is a natural healing process that takes place as we are affected by all the changes that touch our lives. It is about these changes as well as the losses in our lives. Before I worked for a hospice organization for eleven years, I had believed that we only grieved when people we loved died. And this is generally true. But what I came to discover was that we grieve around the changes that come into our lives as well. And this of course
happens all of the time. In which case, we would be grieving all the time! And indeed I believe that we are largely out of touch with the grief in our life
While there are many changes that affect us minimally, there are those other kinds of events that have a much deeper impact. These can be events like the loss of a relationship, the loss of a job, a separation or divorce, or the loss of our health. And yet how much do we allow ourselves to feel what we are going through. There is so much pressure in our society to move on and not feel our grief. Allowing ourselves to feel any kind of discomfort is generally not supported in our culture. Even with the death of an immediate family member, we are still expected to be back to work in about a
week. Two weeks at the most. And if we are still grieving several months later, we may be questioned about what our problem is and again urged to pull ourselves together and get on with our lives. This pushing us along does not recognize the pace and timing of our grief. We may not even recognize it ourselves. Or if we do, we may discount it and ignore it. But the truth is that when our hearts are broken, we need time and space to mend. We need to connect with the deeply compassionate understanding of our heart and meet whatever it is that is touching our life.
It can be difficult enough for us to grieve when our grief is recognized by others after a loved one dies. It is far more difficult when our grief isn’t understood or validated by others. I was made aware of this when I worked with a group of young couples who were coming to a support group. They had each experienced a miscarriage or still birth. And they had all shared the experience of having their family and friends not understand their grief. Usually said with the best of intentions, what they heard were comments like, “But the baby hadn’t even been born (so they shouldn’t be feeling so bad)” and “Thank goodness you are young and can easily have other kids.” But in fact they did have a child. They had already begun to wonder (or had already found out) if the child was a girl or boy. They may have started picking out names and buying furniture. In listening to these couples, it was clear to me that a baby is very much present to a couple long before the moment of birth. The terrible ache of losing a child may not be understood and may end up leaving a couple in painful isolation. They need to be supported in grieving the loss of their children. The support group offered these couples this kind of support. A place they could share their stories and be heard and understood.
There are other kinds of circumstances where our grief is not so apparent or is covered up by other feelings. For instance, moving to another home. This can be a time of happiness and celebration. But what may then go unnoticed are the feelings of leaving the old home. All the memories of times shared, of kids growing up, of challenges faced and of quiet, loving moments are somehow held in that home. And leaving it also brings up our sadness. Not that we would not want to move to the newer home. But recognizing our grief honors those feelings and experiences that made that first place a home and not just a house.
I was reminded of this when my boys were young and our car was falling apart. The boys were excited about looking for a newer car and couldn’t wait to bring one home. But when they saw the old car being driven off they cried! It had been like a member of the family and they were going to miss it. Beging able to show their feeling and talk about the car and what they would miss was so helpful
There is room in our hearts to hold all of our feelings. The wonderful and the sad and everything in between. We are asked to be as loving with all that we feel, excluding nothing. As Stephen and Ondrea Levine describe in their book, Healing Into Life and Death, our hearts have that kind of spaciousness to lovingly hold it all. It is our task to trust our hearts, trust our grief, and to trust our healing.
Healing can only come from within us. Our healing can be supported and nurtured in the most important and endearing ways by family, friends and therapists but can only be brought about by ourselves. Our healing is about attending to our own woundedness. We heal ourselves when we attend to our woundedness in a deeply compassionate way, the way we would attend to a dear friend who is hurting. In the very act of bringing our loving attention, rather than our judgment, to our woundedness, we have and continue our healing. This is an ongoing and lifelong process for each one of us. It is about becoming more fully ourselves in mind, body, heart and spirit. It is how we grow and how we heal.
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