Cynthia was disillusioned and really down on herself. Here she was in her early thirties, not married and with no children yet she wanted a family. What really brought this to light even more was her growing relationship with her father. They had been estranged for most of the last twenty years but had found a way to begin to connect with each other. All that Cynthia could see now was how revered her father was by so many people. He was a noted public figure. He was quite wealthy, charismatic and a dynamo of passion and energy.
Cynthia couldn’t help but compare herself to him and find herself coming up dismally short in most every way. This was incredibly discouraging. These feelings were beginning to cause problems with her partner. She felt she needed to push him to be as successful and engaged as her father. As she was able to gently meet her own feelings, she came to realize that her feelings for her partner were a reflection of her own feelings for herself. She was afraid that she was a failure and could never measure up. This kind of self-criticism was drummed into her as a young girl by her father. He had been constantly impatient with her, often calling her “stupid.” As much as she had fought him on this, there was still a part of her that was afraid it was true and had taken it in. Having “internalized” this criticism, she was now her own worst critic. Even when she was confronted by the facts that contradicted these criticisms, Cynthia would find a way to discount the facts. She ignored the fact that she had put herself through nursing school and held a demanding and responsible job. It meant little when she would get mad at herself.
Not until Cynthia was able to compassionately explore why she was so down on herself did she realize how severely critical of herself she was. She recognized in her hurt how she was so painfully comparing herself to her father. In this light, she was always falling short. However, as she continued to work compassionately with herself, she began to see that the work she did as a nurse required a care, compassion and presence that were her gifts. These were not things that her father valued. She began to see the light. Her father’s criticism had driven her away from him. But Cynthia’s relationships with other people were very different. She was caring and sensitive with people and cherished this way of being with people. Cynthia realized that her task was to care for herself in as loving a way as she cared for those she loved. She was already beginning to care for herself. Though it was hard especially at first when she was still feeling so self-critical, the truth was that she has a very loving heart. And to her surprise, she could be loving with herself.
Our self-criticism doesn’t go away and disappear. Something so ingrained remains. But rather than being something to beat ourselves with, it can instead serve to be a reminder and a teacher. When we become aware of our criticism, we can choose a different course. It can be a reminder to be caring of ourself and to set ourself back on our path of healing. It becomes part of our healing rather than a weapon to use against ourself. This process takes time and is ongoing. But throughout this process, each step we take is part of our true growth and healing.
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David was a young man in his twenties and grieving his father’s death one and a half years before. He’d been able to grieve over the death of his father and come to a certain peace with it. But today, in his therapy session, he is again feeling sad. This time, however, as he explores his sadness what becomes clearer is his holding on to a sense of being in control. When asked what would happen if he let go of his control, he becomes scared and frightened. He realizes that to let go would mean that he’d just “dissolve away.” There’d be nothing left of him. He’d be completely empty. Nothing would remain of him. He’d be totally helpless and exposed.
As David talked about this, he was already beginning to move through his fears and experience these feelings. He began to sob deeply. He was feeling so empty, alone, helpless and undone.